New Year’s Eve 2022 Safety Brief

Sit, kneel, bend, stand, ladies and gents. 

We are gathered here today to discuss with you fine fur-adorned haters the frivolity of the coming days. That’s right, New Year’s is upon us. 

Whether you’re driving 12 hours outside the out-of-bounds limits for this weekend in your boy’s piece of shit beater. Or if you’re looking to sew your royal roots amongst the locals, we got you covered.

Wrap it before you tap it. If you’re eating baked goods at a super cool party – maybe double check to make sure they’re not giving off 3.6 roentgen if you know what I’m saying. #SecureTheGIBussy Cause you don’t wanna be holed up in the company office come Monday/Tuesday with your unit’s designated hole spotter eyeing you up. #YoureTooCloseMan 

A wise man once told me, “Don’t drink and drive. But, if you absolutely feel that you must drive under the influence, drive really fast and wrap your car around a tree. It’s called natural selection.” That thought process is a little harsh for our dainty sensibilities here at OAF Nation, but nonetheless, there are few things that will fuck you quicker than a DUI – not to mention the fact that you could get a betrayal medal.

Moving on. Cry Rage Kyle will be out for blood with Karenwaffen attachments – insisting to anyone within their casualty radius they can drink any frat boy under the table – even though we all know 1 jamo makes them cry. #WeenieHutJr And that’s not even mentioning when the $5 jahlopineaux poppers enter their bloodstream.

Barracks rules still apply: 1) Don’t fuck with anyone who isn’t fucking with you, and 2) Don’t let anyone fuck with you.

That said, don’t let your party wreck someone else’s vic. The past two years have been a tough thang to suck – everyone is struggling to get by. This next year can be just as much of a hazefest as the last two – but it doesn’t need to be that way. 

As always – if the man comes calling next week, you know the drill. Admit nothing, deny everything, and make counter-accusations. 

May your inshallahs turn into alhamdulillahs, kings and queens. See you on the beach.

Written By OAF Nation

12/31/21