Weekend Safety Brief // May 16, 2025

Sit, kneel, bend, stand – this is your weekend safety brief.

You’ve been on your best behavior (haven’t been caught) all week so it is time to kit up with the boys and start creepin’ like CIA funded guerillas. #VivaLaRevolution

Whether you’re driving 12 hours outside the out-of-bounds limits for this weekend in your boy’s piece of shit beater, or you’re looking to sew your royal oats amongst the local nationals, we got you covered.

Wrap it before you tap it. Those gifts that keep on giving are in fact not gifts at all. #FireWhenYouPee Drink water and don’t do any drugs that’ll be in your system come Sunday night. You don’t wanna be holed up in the company office come Monday with your unit’s designated piss tester eyeing you up like you owe em money.

Cry Rage Kyle may be out for blood this weekend with Karenwaffen attachments, insisting to anyone within their casualty radius that they can drink any frat boy under the table (even though we all know 1 jamo makes them cry and piss the bed) #WeenieHutJr And that’s not even mentioning when the $5 jahlopineaux poppers enter their bloodstream. So keep your eyes peeled and keep your head on a swivel for those nerds no matter where you go.

Barracks rules still apply: 1) Don’t fuck with anyone who isn’t fucking with you, and 2) Don’t let anyone fuck with you.

That said, don’t let your party wreck someone else’s vic. The past hundred days have been a mental kick in the nuts for many and the next hundred may be just as much of a hazefest so you don’t need to contribute. Be fun, be courteous. Don’t be a dick

And as always – if the man comes calling next week ready to put a foot in your ass you already know the drill: Admit nothing, deny everything, and make counter accusations.

May your Inshallahs become Alhamdulillahs kings and queens. See you on the beach.