This is it, they caught you with your dick in the metaphorical door. First Sausage found a half-naked stripper (ironic, right?) in your coffin rack as well as an empty 40-year-old bottle of absinthe and a half-filled bottle of your grandma’s Quaaludes during Friday’s room inspection. And now you’ve spent the past 48 hours sweating like Dale near a wall with Monday’s inevitable F U C K E N I N G looming large in your windshield. #NoPlanB

Fear not, friends. For this isn’t the end. Not even close. Somehow, even though you could be facing a felony, your CO has a head on him like a day old beer, and honestly believes that the Quaaludes are for your roommate’s back. And now, by the great balls of Audie Murphy himself, you’re only looking at a company level NJP. #ShortTimer

At this juncture, you have a few options available to you. You can choose to ride-n-die and go down in a blazing heap of chevrons and shame. This would certainly do wonders for your street cred and your reputation amongst your peers. But, getting paid less money ain’t baller to me, man. #YouSeeHowTronIsLiving

You can also choose to play the game. Go along with whatever bullshit they’re gonna come up with, take your ass-chewin’ like a man #toxic, and get out with, Inshallah, your pay still intact. This might be good for you in the command’s eye, but keep in mind the streets are always watching like Taliban.

If you’re taking the low road here, please believe that while you still have the support of the fuck-around crew, you do need to tread lightly to keep things from escalating. Get a haircut, a low reg is fine in this scenario, and depending on what stage you are in the hair loss cycle, a high-and-tight could be a death sentence. And then, turn up. It’s not illegal to get housed on a Sunday night, even if you gotta go before the man in the morning. He’s a fucking alcoholic too, he just hides it better #FormerFratStar. Don’t let the impending trial impede upon your roguery this weekend. #RaiseThatFlag

Of course, the high route makes for smoother sailing. But you know how that saying goes if you’ve ever been inside either a JoAnn Fabrics or a middle-aged suburban wife. #ScreamingInfidelities You also have to work a little harder to get down this road. You seriously need to contemplate getting your first high-and-tight since your days as a whimsical, carefree boot. Make sure your service uniform is squared away and your shoes are nice and shiny. Go in there tomorrow, take your lumps and survive to fight another day. Rocky might not have beat Apollo Creed in the original Rocky, but no one remembers that. That man was added to the alarmingly long list of illiterate heroes of this great nation. #ICantQuitYou

Play it how you like. ladies and gentlemen, and know that you always have the support of your boys Bertier and Casper regardless which route you take. At the end of the day, pain is temporary, shame hangs around a little longer and there aren’t too many situations you can’t suck or fuck your way out of. Good Luck.