Hustlers, killers, murderers, drugs dealers, gather round the glowing screen in front of you and let Bertier and Casper give you the motivation to kick your year off right. #lookatthisfuckingbox

New Year’s Resolutions. We hear about it all the time, particularly during the first month of the year when people with little to no self-control still have the wherewithal to cling to those half-hearted goals.

But you, you wonderful, young, hardy warriors are not those soft-willed middle aged parents who have sat idly by while their belly buttons mushroomed to the size of a cereal bowl.

No, you are the cream of this nation’s crop. You don’t need to make resolutions to get to the gym, because you already slay boot and Cherry bodies on the regular while still processing that vodka soaked tampon your brown starfish ingested the night prior.

The game, ladies and gentlemen, is self-improvement and enjoyment. The prize: eternal glory.

Some easy tips for making real resolutions of your own:

  1. Push the envelope, no one will remember the junior enlisted warrior who never toes the fucking line #habituallinestepper

 

2. Try new things. How’d you find out that you liked pizza? You took a fuckin’ bite. Same applies to nearly all situations, but be forewarned Gunny will be pissed if he finds an 8 inch dildo suction cupped to your shower wall.#lifeisagameofinches

 

3. Excel. None of this means shit if you’re not good at your job. If you aren’t striving to be the greatest, most skatin’est Lance Coconut/Specialist in your unit, what is even the point? You can get away with almost anything in garrison if you stack bodies in the field, but war crimes investigations follow you for a while.