Your car is packed. The beaver hatch-back is loaded for a full two weeks of hometown hottie hole pluggin’ and DWI evadin’. That’s right, the season is upon us, Christmas leave block is here. Sure, your whip isn’t fully insured, but let’s keep it on the DL cause First Sausage don’t know and he can’t read numbers so he probably won’t figure it out. It’s just about that time to get home, get hole, and get right as you prepare your prison pocket for the buttfuckery that is sure to be your command in 2019.

But standby, word comes creeping up your platoon sergeant’s pipes like his wife’s strap-on, turns out the FRO is taking battalion’s dependas out to the Unit Holiday Party tonight. Now, Lance Corporal Jim Lahey has to tie off the SS Shit Liner and left-right-alay-oh his ass on down to the fieldhouse for some hole-some, family oriented, soul-fucking fun. You’re sure to bump into your LT’s Delta Zeta fiancee, yeah the one with the chest meats. And yeah, you want to bump ugly parts. But this isn’t the place champ, this ain’t it.

Face it, this sucks. Watching your E-5 squad leader, who at six years of service has four and a half kids (none of whom are behaving for this event), chase his brood around the fieldhouse with a smile on his face that suggest he might end himself tonight. As a good APL, you know it is your responsibility to exfil your squad leader out to your whip so he can blow a bowl of spice and 4 shots of SoCo.

You need to minimize time on target while also creating enough impact that no one can forget/question your attendance. How can this safely be accomplished without compromising your integrity so much as to ensure a piss test upon your return from leave?

Assemble your crew. Cue Nat King Cole’s Christmas Power Hour. Dress them in the finest Christmas threads you can find from from your sketchiest local thrift store. Drop the MOAB of socialization that is your crew six sheets to the shit winds, and beat feet the fuck out. Like the blast wave of a suicide bomber, the effects of your boys on target are gonna cuck your command right into Cooper’s Color Code black (inshallah).